One of the Deepika Padukone’s Junior cooks, Joy Lobo, commits suicide. He failed to become a true cuckoo as advised by Virus – “ Life is a race. If you don’t run fast, you will be like broken undaa!”.
Deepika has placed a want-ad in the leading newspaper — India Fighting. Right when Deepika is whistling an old tune “ Ehsaan tera hoga mujh par, dil chahta hai wo kehne do…..” two (wo)men candidates from the Swaraaj Chhit-Put Larni Sena enter the room, heavily panting and shrieking out “Oye Deepika! Deepika kahan hai? (Oye Deepika! Where’s Deepika?)”
“Deepikaaaa! Oye Chatur, Deepika Kahan hai?”
One of them is barefoot and seems to have forgotten wearing pants. But anyways, he’s still in old-fashioned boxer shorts.
“Welcome Idiots!” Deepika greets them while still staring at his iPhone. “Madira piyogey? (Would you like to have Madira?) ”
Puzzled, they look at each other then ask him “Arre Deepika kahan hai, Ya?”
“Bataati hun pehley ye dekho. (You’ll know but before that look at this)” Deepika flips over his iPhone.
They look at the selfie in the iPhone.
“ Meri wife ko nahi uske peeche ka Bangla deko, idiots! (Stop staring at my wife. Look at the bungalow behind, idiots!) 3.5 million. Swimming pool- heated. “ Deepika sneers. “Living room- maple wood flooring. My new lamborghini 6496cc. Soooo Fast!” He smacks the iPhone.
“ Abbey, ye sab humey kyun bata raha hai( Why are you telling this to us)!!! We have come here for chopping and cooking!”
“Chal chhod na, Ya. Sala zindgi bhar Hindi seekhta rahega. Koi thikaana nahi kab kya bol de! ( He will keep learning Hindi all his life. You can’t even guess what he is going to say next!)”
“ Kya-kya pakatey ho tumlog? (What do you cook?)”
Both the candidates turn to the female voice coming from behind. An elderly woman of 50-60yrs enters the room.
“……and do you always dress-up like this?” she sounds a bit muddled.
“ No Ma’m. Dono tang phadwa kar apne pairon par khada hua hai. Ye ab pants nahi pehnega. ( No Ma’m. He’s learned to stand up by himself after having both of his legs (of his pants) ripped apart. He won’t wear pants any longer.)”
“We cook everything- Dhokla….”
“Tum Gujarati log itne cute hote ho par tum logon ka khana itna khatarnak kyun hota hai? Dhokla! Fafda! Handva! Thepla! Aisa lagta hai jaise koi missiles hai! ( You Gujarati people are so cute but why are your dishes so dangerous?? Dhokla! Fafda! Handva! Thepla! As if these are missiles! ) ” She interrupts. “ Have you read ‘wings of fire’?”
“ Ye cute nahi hain. Peechle batees saal se inhone nirantar is college mein balatkaar pe balatkaar kiye. ( They are not cute! During past 32 years they have commited rapes one after another. )” Deepika chips in.
“ Chatur, we are going to chop your nose off before we chop anything else ( Deepika’s nose???)!” Candidates have begun to boil with rage and threaten Deepika.
“ I am Deepika. Naam toh suna hoga?” Deepika winks at them with mischief.
Now the candidates are completely at a loss. “Abey tu iske daant todega ya main todun?” ( Are you going to break his teeth or I should do it? )