Ramblings

A grief-stricken pot

The hammer pounded against the metal day and night to add depth to it

To embrace flowers and be fulfilled…


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Ramblings

Oooooooo! Ah-Uh! Ouch!

There are probably ways to live so as to shut out chances to be victimized. Those ways are probably worse than being a victim.
~ William Stafford

They remind me that there are more reasons to quail inside my house than the fear of falling and getting injured. There may be eve-teasers hooting and making scurrilous remarks. There may be a scarecrow in the fields I pass by. There may be a lot of ooooo-ah-uh-ouch and thence I must honour each of them and stay inside the house. I must chant Gayatri Mantra eleven times and present offerings to the Sun and the Moon. I must honour bullies…or.. Or I must fail them? I don’t have a coach. I just want to learn how to ride my bicycle. I have my hands and feet intact. I am a normal human being. I know if I learn it, I will be more capacious. With every challenge I take up, my life gets transformed for better, unlike suicide. Even in case, I die during this, it will be a better death. But they say, I don’t need it. What if I fall off the bicycle and injure myself? Maybe I should stop trying. I am taught to choose safety over risk. The risk of falling and the risk of failing. However, if I choose safety, I fail by default. I don’t know how I am going to die and what’s the definition of a successful life. Success at the workplace? At home? Success in relationships? By contributing to society? In all likelihood, we are going to fail in more than one domains that too several times. To me success is measured in terms of the calm, the confidence we have inside while shopping in a mall, at the stage, at the boss’s place or while spending holidays at home. Living a successful life doesn’t require you to possess what Ambanis have. It just requires you to accept the challenge in front of you and you have an opportunity to transform yourself with this. How many times we took up the challenge and how successfully we allowed it to transform us. Will you choose safety and won’t do what you are capable of doing? When you fall onto the ground, you get up and put another feet more firm, more determined and you learn to walk for life. So, the first thing every child must know is if it wants to walk? Are you ready to fall? ” What I can definitely advice any kid that’s out there trying to race is don’t listen to people who tell you that you need a mental coach or you need someone to help control your mind.” ” You need to let it run wild and free and discover yourself. It’s all about discovery and only you can do it.” ~  Lewis Hamilton, five times Formula One World Title winner.
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Ramblings

The Redeemer

“The Redeemer has been my guard against the miasma of a malicious heart.”

~ laywoman


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Ramblings

What do you feel about yourself?

Even if you failed to make me happy, if you feel happy about yourself, if you made yourself proud, it must be good.

:::

Random

Only when our homes are safe, will the world be safe – Pooja Bhatt

#Me Too Tanushree Dutta, I am so proud of you. Bravo! It takes a hell lot of courage to speak about your traumas. Ten years or thousand years, the truth is the truth and after you recuperate from your trauma, whenever you’re comfortable, it’s the right time. Presumably, you’ve come to exact a revenge from Nana, even then there’s glory in it. What could be a better definition of beauty without its strength? It will rebuild people’s faith in justice and personal valour. I am with you.
In a compelling discussion, Pooja Bhatt puts it this way:



I would like to believe that things have changed. But nothing changes unless it changes in homes and in your bedrooms. I think when you can air your grievances when you can air your frustrations, the rage that you feel, that itself is a major point of release for anybody who has gone through any sort of humiliation.

The violence comes in various forms. Abuse comes in various forms. When a woman feels a rage about it that also is held against her. They take away the very basic primal need of yours to be able to go out and scream and say I am in pain. And when you speak uncomfortable truths in a world of lies then you are looked upon as insane or you’re dismissed. So it comes down to eventually you believing in your truth. Because I believe that truth does not require PR. Like fire, it burns and if you believe in your truth, you go out there and you plough on. And if you expect people to hold your hand when you are engulfed with the flames of life then you’re being naive because nobody is there to fight your battles for you. It doesn’t matter who you are born to, how much money you have in a bank, when a man hits or a woman strikes you, it hurts as much.

So I think what’s changed is we talk about it more but the lives that we preach and the lives that we actually lead are two different realities. Just because somebody spouts line on a screen, it doesn’t mean that they actually are those people off-screen.

“No. No your honour. No isn’t just a word. It’s a complete statement in itself. It doesn’t require any logic or explanation. No means only no. Nothing else. My client said ”No” your honour. And these boys must realise that no means no. Whether the woman who speaks is an acquaintance, a friend, a girlfriend, a sex worker or even your own wife, no means only no. And when someone says so, you stop.” 

— a dialogue from the movie Pink

You might have somebody who might be a person who supposedly opposed the law for a whole nation. Is that rule and that law operative in his bedroom for his very own? So I think that only when our homes are safe, will the world be safe. And as we all know that 90% of abuse happens within the family homes. So while I can save myself from the other how am I going to save myself from myself or my very own people? And that is something that concerns me far more like a woman today. Unless our homes are not going to be secure, the world out there cannot be any different from what you are at home. And I see that there are people lead by contrasting lives by existence.

It’s naive to expect Bollywood or anyone for that matter to stand by you when you walk through the fires of life.

Q. What’s the point of speaking out? If eventually, the change has to happen inside your house, why should you speak up what you have gone through because eventually you will any way either be dismissed or shut down?

Well, everyone has the reasons for speaking or not speaking up. For some people it’s therapeutic. For some people, it’s a way to air their anger. For some people, it’s a way to change and threaten and question the whole foundation or what something stands on. But are you willing to speak your truth if it shakes the foundation and co of your home? Are you willing to speak your truth and will you be allowed to speak your truth if it actually shakes up everything at the workplace?

When we talk about the Tanushree saga, the one thing that I find absolutely upholding that people are arguing about — why has she spoken ten years later? There are women who are been abused by their very own, who probably go through lifetime when they can’t name their own fathers, their own grandfathers, their own uncles or their own brothers in matters of incest. So it’s not fair to say why now or why not.


There’s no solidarity with victims; not even in our society outside the film industry. We have seen so many cases where victim shaming and character assassination is indulged in which tremendously adds to the trauma.  ~ Renuka Shahane


I found myself in a relationship with an alcoholic. I found myself in a situation when he struck me. I chose to speak about it the very next day. My very own people within the industry looked at me and said why you’re washing your dirty linen in public. But it was important for me to go out and speak up and tell people that hey, you look at me as somebody who’s born to the film industry, who has Mahesh Bhatt behind her, but I am as vulnerable as you are and if it could happen to me, it’s going to happen to you. It was important for me to not demonizing that person because I strongly believe in the Buddhist way of looking at it where they worship the enemy and they believe that the enemy teaches them compassion. So I would say thank you to all the people who have ravaged me, who have belittled me, who have given me knocks. Because it made me far stronger individual and human being. It stripped away my fairy tales. It’s got me to stand on my own feet. And I am who I am because the knocks I have taken.

The point is that eventually, we talk about survivors, we talk about women who are very forward and I know more women from the streets of Mumbai who are far more liberated than a lot of women who are Shanelle and take abuse at the hands of their husbands because it’s convenient to be Mrs so and so. So when a mother tells her son, it’s all right to beat his wife up, that is as bad as a man making a pass at you on a set. Aren’t we compliance when we talk about the patriarchal society? Who’s given the power to men? We woman must put our hands up and say that it’s unfair to paint every man on the planet with the same brush and say that — Oh, you’re a man that means you’re a predator. I think that women can be worst than men on occasions. They can be more violent, they can be more judgemental, they can be very heartless in that they have an absolute lack of empathy.

I think somewhere we need to really do some soul searching. We want to fight battles, and we want to say that equal pay, let us be out at the same time as the son is, let us have same sexual choices but hey if somebody grabs my butt, I want ten men to come and support me. No! Take the guy on. Go to court. Fight your battle. It’s a long tedious court process but you have the strength to do it. Do you believe enough your truth? It’s not wrong in wanting a support system. But what if it doesn’t come your way. Are you going to back down? I won’t.

:::

 

Ramblings

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Intrigues of the rising sun, rustling woods and dust

no words

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Random

Benefits of dating married (wo)men

Benefits of dating a married man:

Nowadays, there had been many young ladies who were caught or seen dating a married man. Reason vary, which may include financial reasons or emotional satisfaction. But whatever the reason is, a married man who is dating another woman aside from his wife is being unfaithful to his marriage vows. If you plan to date or dating a married guy, this article will tell you the pros and cons of the relationship you are in or about to enter.

1. He is great in bed: The number one reason why people cheat is sex. Some affairs are merely sex-oriented, while others could be emotional cheating which may become physical as well. A married man is usually great in bed because he can be more adventurous and experienced due to his married life, which enables him to satisfy you better and in various ways that unmarried man can’t.

2. You’ll get to try the forbidden: One of the reasons why a man cheats is because he is not satisfied when having sex with his real partner. This leads to suppression, making him hotter and wilder when going to bed with you. And since his wild dreams were not served for so long, be ready for the adventurous sex you and your man is about to have. For example, you and your married man may have sex on places like in cars, on the rooftop, in churches and any other places you are not supposed to do it.

3. It can excite you: Dating a married man can excite you in so many different ways. You may be in a long, steady relationship, but getting to know someone new secretly and doing new things together are just irresistible. Besides, the possibility of getting caught just brings more fun and makes things really exciting and thrilling.

4. It brings emotional satisfaction: One of the benefits of dating a married man is emotional fulfilment. In a marriage, a couple gradually grows apart from each other and quarrels about little things. In a relationship, your boyfriend just can’t make you feel loved and give you all the attention you need. So there is a desperate need of someone who really understands you. In this case, an affair with a married man fulfils your emotional need, which is far better than the fulfilment of sex can give.

5. There is no stress of divorce: For some people, an affair is better than a divorce. A divorce is not only emotionally stressful but it will also consume one’s time and money.

6. No “kiss and tell”: He is a married man, which means he has a wife, kids most probably and job. He will not want to lose all of these. That is why you can be sure that he will not let anyone know about the two of you. This will be beneficial for you if you also have a family of your own or if you are in a position where your life can turn upside down if your reputation gets hurt.

7. It is not expensive: An extramarital affair is way cheaper than a real relationship. You don’t have to celebrate anniversaries, because affairs do not have an exact date when you started flirting with each other. You do not have to splurge too much on birthday presents; otherwise, if he sees an expensive lady’s watch and it is not for her, she will get suspicious.

8. Other benefits of dating a married man: 

  • It will boost your confidence because you know that he is cheating on someone for you which makes you feel more desirable.
  • You also don’t feel pressured in the relationship because you know that everything is just for fun. No string attached and no responsibilities.

Drawbacks:

1. He will always prioritize HIS family: Family always comes first. Even if he talks about how much he has been detached from his wife, he will always choose to be a husband and try to keep his family together especially if he has children. He will always prioritize the need of his wife and kids before his needs. His marriage is based on friendships and social network and he would not want to lose that only because of you

2. He will never choose you over his wife: It can be because of the legal and financial requirements that a divorce entails, because of his remaining affection for his wife, because of his religious beliefs refraining him from doing so, or because he is comfortable with their marriage just the way it is. And keep this in mind, he still has sex with his wife. Thrilling? Painful?

3. He will always hide you: There may be benefits of dating a married man, but the reality will always speak for itself. As much as you want to tell the whole world how much you love him and how good he is as a boyfriend, it will never happen no matter how long you have been dating. He’ll never let you meet his friends because he doesn’t want his family to know about you; And he will refuse to see any of your friends and family to avoid the risk of exposure.

4. You are just a diversion for him: At first, the two of you might be having good times together and planning your future, but keep in mind that everything is just a game. You might even think that his passion is because his undying love for you but the truth is it is his libido talking. Soon, when the game becomes boring, everything will just be a routine for him, including those romantic acts, and finally, he will dump you.

The perks of dating married women:

Married women are often a part of a young boy’s fantasy. You often fantasise about your teacher or neighbour’s wife as a teenager. But dating married women as a grown adult is much more than fantasy. It is a hardcore reality that comes with some definite perks. When you are dating a married woman, you are a part of an extramarital affair.

However, if you are not the judgmental types, an extramarital affair really shouldn’t bother you. All you have to remember while dating married women is that you cannot afford to fall in love. It is not going to be a real relationship filled with intricate complexities. However, it can be loads of fun if you know how to handle it.

Here are some exclusive perks of dating married women:

1. No strings attached: When she is a cheating wife herself, she can hardly expect you to be committed to her. You do not have to worried about the right time to propose to her or be loyal for that matter. An extramarital affair is often an excuse for physical intimacy. It can also be an emotional escape for some women. But either way, you will be out of harm’s way because you are not the one who is bound in holy matrimony.

2. Easy To Get To Bed: Married women are often much easier to manoeuvre into the sack. This basically means dating married women almost always means that you get to have a great sensual experience. She is already married and habituated to intimacy. So you don’t have to worry about the hang-ups that a virgin girlfriend might have.

3. Cheap Dating: A cheating wife doesn’t expect too many gifts and expensive dinners from her young boyfriend. You won’t have to bother with remembering anniversaries and buying gifts. She will never meet you in posh restaurants for the fear of being discovered. So dating a married woman is a pretty inexpensive affair.

4. Experienced Advice: She is an experienced married woman and thus, she will give you loads of advice about the important things in life. She will tell what to expect from marriage and how to keep your own wife happy. She might even teach you a thing or two about sensuality.

Things To Learn

You have a lot to learn from an extramarital affair. The prospect of dating a married woman could be very enthralling yielding to bountiful of joyous experiences if you really have it in your to-do list. Apart from that, after dating a married woman, you will be automatically able to figure out if your own wife ever cheats on you. Secondly, you must find out what is it that makes a married woman cheat. So dating married women comes with added benefits. As long as you don’t entangle yourself in an emotional turmoil, it can be a great lesson in life. Happy dating! 🙂

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Collections · Quotes

Because dreams do come true

Glittering with possibilities,
May we carry these seeds,
Guided by wisdom and the wind,
Reforesting lives,
Replenishing the planet,
So all can breathe
Dignity.
~ Linda Hartling

A collection of 61 quotes I loved:


1) Dreams come a size too big, so that you can grow into them

— Josie Bisset

2) Conflict is inevitable ― war is optional.


3) Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict – alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence.

― Dorothy Thompson

4) The dominant group, thus, legitimizes the unequal relationship and incorporates it into society’s guiding concepts…It becomes “normal” to treat others destructively and to derogate them, to obscure the truth of what you are doing, by creating false explanations, and to oppose actions toward equality.

— Jean Baker Miller

5) As soon as a group attains dominance it tends inevitably to produce a situation of conflict and it also, simultaneously, seeks to suppress conflict.

— Jean Baker Miller

6) We have to learn to live together… side by side, but not back to back.

― Daniel Barenboim

7) There is no insurmountable solitude. All paths lead to the same goal: to convey to others what we are. And we must pass through solitude and difficulty, isolation and silence in order to reach forth to the enchanted place where we can dance our clumsy dance and sing our sorrowful song ― but in this dance or in this song there are fulfilled the most ancient rites of our conscience in the awareness of being human and of believing in a common destiny.

― Part of Pablo Neruda’s Nobel Prize acceptance speech

8) Re-examine all that you have been told… dismiss that which insults your soul.

― Walt Whitman

9) The greatest force for making people bigger and better than they are now is the belief in your heart and mind that they have the infinite potential for growth. Even when they fail us, we are to continue to carry and express the mental image of what they may become. To have someone believe in you, even when you fail is the most blessed and creative force in the universe.
― Lewis L. Dunningham


10) There are probably ways to live so as to shut out chances to be victimized. Those ways are probably worse than being a victim.
— William Stafford


11) Pessimism is a luxury we can afford only in good times, in difficult times it easily represents a self-inflicted, self-fulfilling death sentence
― Evelin Lindner


12) A house is a home only if you fill it with loving relationships. A house can also be a prison.
A home cannot be bought. A home has to be built and nurtured everyday.
–Evelin Lindner


13) It takes courage not to be discouraged. I am a realist, not an idealist. Nothing new ever happened before. law not war…
–Evelin Lindner


14) The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.
― George Bernard Shaw.


15) Creativity is the residue of time wasted.
― Albert Einstein


16) Build a system in parallel to the existing system then switch the good parts over, and leave the bad behind.
― Buckminster Fuller


17) A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
― Max Planck


18) Let all bear in mind that a society is judged not so much by the standards attained by its more affluent and privileged members as by the quality of life which it is able to assure for its weakest members.
― H.E. Javier Perez de Cuellar


19)”Excellence is . . .
Caring more than others think is wise
Risking more than others think is safe
Dreaming more than others think is practical
Expecting more than others think is possible.
― Winston Churchill


20) Most of the greatest evils that man has inflicted upon man have come through people feeling quite certain about something which, in fact, was false.
— Bertrand Russell


21) Now a lot of us are preachers, and all of us have moral convictions and concerns, and so often have problems with power. There is nothing wrong with power if power is used correctly. You see, what happened is that some of our philosophers got off base. And one of the great problems of history is that the concepts of love and power have usually been contrasted as opposites ― polar opposites ― so that love is identified with a resignation of power, and power with a denial of love. …..  What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love.
― A Testament of Hope


22) I am sure that there are some things in our world to which we should never be adjusted. There are some things concerning which we must always be maladjusted if we are to be people of good will. We must never adjust ourselves to racial discrimination and racial segregation. We must never adjust ourselves to religious bigotry. We must never adjust ourselves to economic conditions that take necessities from the many to give luxuries to the few. We must never adjust ourselves to the madness of militarism, and the self-defeating effects of physical violence.
— Martin Luther King


23) If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
― Albert Einstein


24) Love is the new religion of the 21st century You don’t have to be a highly educated person Or have any exceptional knowledge to understand it It comes from the intelligence of the heart Embedded in the timeless evolutionary pulse of all human beings.
― Brian Piergrossi


25) It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings.
― Mahatma Gandhi


26) It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
― Jiddu Krishnamurti.


27) Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.
― Vaclav Havel


28 ) In the word ‘question’, there is a beautiful word ― quest. I love that word. We are all partners in a quest. The essential questions have no answers. You are my question, and I am yours ― and then there is dialogue. The moment we have answers, there is dialogue. Questions unite people.
― Elie Wiesel


29) Authenticity is ever-evolving, not achieved at any one momentit is a persons ongoing ability to represent herself in relationships more fully.
― Jean Baker Miller


30) All learning takes place through the orderly loss of information.
― Kenneth Boulding


31) Anybody who believes exponential growth can go on forever in a finite world is either a madman or an economist
― Kenneth Boulding


32) Authenticity and subordination are totally incompatible.
― Jean Baker Miller


33) History is the lies people have agreed upon?
— William Stafford


34) Normality is a paved road. It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it.
— Vincent Van Gogh


34) We drown in ugliness. Art helps teach us to swim.
— William Stafford


35) Growth-fostering relationships empower all people in them. They are defined by:
a). A sense of zest or well-being that comes from connecting with another person(s.);
b) An increased ability and motivation to take action in the relationship as well as in others situations;
c) Increased knowledge of oneself and the other person(s) and the relationship;
d) An increased sense of worth;
e) A desire for more connection beyond the particular one.
— Jean Baker Miller


36) We are blind to our blindness.
— Evelin Lindner


37) The attempt at authenticity requires a clear and direct risk.
― Jean Baker Miller


38) It seems that latest social neuroscience supports her early view that humans develop within a matrix of relationships throughout their lives, that we are always inter connected as human beings. Consequently, rather than self worth, she would say that people develop a “sense of worth” through participation in mutually empathic, mutually empowering relationships, that is, through participation in “growth-fostering relationships.” Rather than using the word “self,” she preferred the term “relational being.” From her perspective, we are all relational beings, rather than separate selves.
― Linda Hartling


39) Killing the dignity of individuals is the most subtle form of violence practiced in our societies.
― Ubiratan D’Ambrosio


40) Every war has two losers.
— William Stafford


41) There is a pervasive form of contemporary violence to which the idealist most easily succumbs: activism and overwork. The rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of its innate violence. To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to violence. The frenzy of our activism neutralizes our work for peace. It destroys our own inner capacity for peace. It destroys the fruitfulness of our own work, because it kills the root of inner wisdom which makes work fruitful.
― Thomas Merton


42) Respect seems so fundamental to our experience of social relations and self that we ought to define more clearly what it is.
― Richard Sennett


43) Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
― Andre Gide


44) A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.
― King James Version


45)Justice will not come until those who are not hurt feel just as indignant as those who are hurt.
― Solon


46) Show, by your actions, that you choose peace over war, freedom over oppression, voice over silence, service over self-interest, respect over advantage, cooperation over competition, action over passivity, diversity over uniformity, and justice over all.
― Anthony J. Marsella


47) Civil disobedience is not our problem. Our problem is civil obedience. Our problem is that people all over the world have obeyed the dictates of leaders…and millions have been killed because of this obedience…Our problem is that people are obedient all-over the world in the face of poverty and starvation and stupidity, and war, and cruelty. Our problem is that people are obedient while the jails are full of petty thieves… (and) the grand thieves are running the country. That’s our problem.
― Howard Zinn


48) Compassion is something that needs to be encouraged, like an endangered species, perhaps.
― John Tarrant


49) It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.
― Hermann Hesse


50) Everything has either a price or dignity.
― Immanuel Kant


51) What do you regard as most humane? To spare someone shame.
― Friedrich Nietzsche


52) Education is the power to appreciate life
― Brigham Young


53) It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
― Voltaire


54) In women, courage is often mistaken for insanity.


55) All relationships encompass conflict.The best conflicts are those that lead to more and better connection.
— Jean Baker Miller


56) Where, after all, do universal human rights begin? In small places, close to home – so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any map of the world. Yet they are the world of the individual person: the neighborhood he lives in; the school or college he attends; the factory, farm or office where he works. Such are the places where every man, woman, and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination. Unless these rights have meaning there, they have little meaning anywhere.
― Eleanor Roosevelt.


57) Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
― Martin Luther King


58) Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
― Albert Einstein


59) Pride is concerned with who is right,
Humility is concerned with what is right.
― Ezra Taft Benson


60) The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems
― Mahatma Gandhi


61) we see a world where the people are tending to each other in the same way they tend to their beautiful gardens; where each person shines, radiantly, because they’re being cared for and given everything they need in order to grow, thrive, and blossom in all their glory.
— Linda M. Hartling

~**~

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Random

What is forgiveness and what it is not

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. ~ J. F. Kennedy

1.) Forgiveness is a process, not an event.

2.) Unforgiveness or lack of forgiveness is nothing short of life-threatening. So if you want to live a long and fulfilled life, find forgiveness as a way of life.

3.) Forgiveness occurs as a response to a transgression that is either intentionally or negligently perpetrated.

4.) Oftentimes when someone has been wronged their common response includes an immediate fear of being hurt again, anger, withdrawal, seeking revenge or retaliation.

5.) The response to a transgression is usually negative. So how one deals with this response is crucial. We have to overcome our nature in expressing forgiveness.

6.) When we forgive we do not forget — that is not part of forgiveness. Forgetting is just a passive removal of the offence from your consciousness.

7.) Forgetting often doesn’t work because while you try to forget, it bothers you at some time that you least expect it, and you get destructive in your own behaviour and thinking.

It’s not something that just happens easily because you have to overcome the negative feelings engendered by the transgression. And it is not easily achieved. In forgiveness, the transgressor receives an undeserved gift. That’s why we sometimes talk of forgiveness as being an altruistic act.

8.) Forgiveness does not include a lack of consequence for the perpetrator.

9.) Forgiveness is not — no longer feeling the pain. If a victim waits until the pain is gone before granting forgiveness, it might take a very long time to ever forgive a person.

10.) It’s not about pretending that unacceptable behaviour is acceptable. We don’t condone the wrong. The wrong is a wrong, and we forgive in full knowledge that we have been wronged and that we deserve better treatment.

11.) It’s not about trust. Forgiveness doesn’t mean trusting the person.

12.) It is not about reconciling with the person. It is rampant in our culture that if I forgive, I have to be reconciled to the person I am forgiving. Forgiveness is more like giving up the perceived right to get even. It’s like giving up the attitude, ‘You owe me.’

13.) Forgiveness is a response to being wronged that entails a change in which justified anger and resentment are freely given up. To forgive often entails a struggle.

14.) Rather than feeling bad and beginning to nurture a grudge, there are more adaptive responses for individuals to deal with transgression while still having the right to feel resentful.

15.) Forgiveness involves working through not avoiding that emotional pain. Being a victim of a transgression is painful –as we all know– because we’ve all been victims.

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